«

»

Feb 16 2014

Ladies, what NOT to do if you’re trying to get laid

sex before dinner to avoid fartingAsk anyone (including Google), ‘how to turn a man on’ and you’ll hear typical responses like: talk dirty to him, do a strip tease, use a blind fold, take a shower together, or role-play. In short, be sexy!

I’ll be the first to admit that sexiness is not something I really exude. I’m just too goofy to be sexy. I don’t think I can do any of the above “seriously” enough to turn on my husband.

For example, in the past…

  • My dirty talk somehow involved the word “daddy,” which just didn’t work for him (probably because I’m 5’0” and actually LOOK like a minor).
  • My strip tease resulted in my head getting stuck in my t-shirt, forcing Craig to come to my rescue.
  • My curiosity of human biology combined with my exploratory nature was not a good formula for anyone to be blindfolded in my presence.
  • Taking a shower together, in my mind, is a great way to conserve water.

Like I said, sexiness is not my strong suit.

Between the weird conversations I have with my husband and the oversharing of my lady parts exam, plus my history of sexiness blunders, I don’t blame Craig for face-palming me whenever I try to put the “moves” on him.

So what are some things NOT to do if you’re trying to get laid?

When it comes to bedroom no-no’s, another Google search revealed things that turn men off, such as surprise insertions, teeth scraping, baby talk, excessive moaning, or far-too-dirty language.  But what about the steps before that? When you’re trying to lure him into the bedroom?

I’ve compiled my list of things you shouldn’t do when trying to get your man into bed. Some of these bedroom faux pas are from my own experiences while others are from feedback I’ve collected from other people. It’s up to you to guess which are which. :)

1. Put the moves on him in the shower… while wearing a shower cap

Sure, shower sex is hot and steamy. But guys just don’t dig the shower cap look. I find shower caps super convenient, especially if I just want a body shower and not have to blow-dry my hair afterwards. But sexy? Not really.

Here’s what I THINK I look like with a shower cap on:

shower cap, sexy shower cap

But this is what Craig probably sees:

shower cap, old woman shower cap

2. Let out a wet-sounding fart

If shower sex didn’t happen for you, the last thing you want to do is make matters worse by letting out a fart before completely drying off your body. The result: a fart that sounds like shart. Even though you’re completely clean (after having just showered), guys will need a few minutes to get over the shart sound you just let rip. So don’t expect to get lucky in that moment.

mud mask lips3. Try to make out with him while wearing a mud mask

A mud mask may make our skin look glowingly beautiful, but while it’s on our faces, we look like scary zombies. This can get even worse depending on the chunkiness of the mask, and as certain parts start drying before others.

So trying to plant a sexy kiss on your man while your face is covered with a pile of goop just won’t work. You may not look like this lady, but I’m pretty sure that’s what he sees.

4. Talk about his mother… or anyone else he’s related to

This is common sense, yet some women still make this mistake from time-to-time. It could be because we have a tendency to multi-task. While we’re doing one thing, we’re often thinking about something else.

So during a make-out session, we could just blurt out, “Did you call your mom today?” simply because we’re thinking about dinner plans at the in-laws. This may not totally ruin the moment if you haven’t gotten hot and heavy yet, but it could set you back a few steps.

5. Attempt an overnight hair-curling technique involving socks

In case you haven’t heard, some girls who want luscious curls overnight without the use of heat are turning to socks. That’s right, socks. This sock-curling technique is great for gorgeous curls the next morning, but not if you’re hoping to get lucky the night before.

I’ll admit I experienced this one first-hand. After watching this YouTube tutorial, I wrapped my hair in socks and came out to the living room looking like this girl.

curl hair with socks

Me, “You want to go to the bedroom?” (while running my fingers down his chest)

Him, “To go to sleep, yeah. For anything else, no.”

Me, “Why not?”

“You have socks on your head.”

“So?”

“They’re at the wrong end of your body! What if I put underwear on my head? Would that turn on you?”

The more I laughed, the more the socks flapped up and down on my head. As you can imagine, definitely not sexy.

6. Pretend to have a penis

Most men are pretty uncomfortable when their girlfriends pretend to have a penis. This is probably one of the funniest things I’ve read online. If it wasn’t for the username, I would think this was Craig seeking the help of strangers to understand my nutty behaviour (pun intended).

girl pretend to have a penis

7. Pretend to insert objects up his bum

I’m not talking about playful spanking with inanimate objects, such as spoons or paddles. I’m talking about rubbing one end of an object against his crack (as if you’re ready to insert it up the bum if he shows even a slight interest). This behaviour is another source of discomfort for men. And I don’t blame them.

What would you add to this list?

I could probably share a dozen more, but I tailored it down to the ones I found most humourous. Now over to you. Ladies and gents, what would you add to this list? Leave me a comment below.

4 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. Casey Ann

    Telling your partner that you have hemorrhoids will NOT get you laid.

    So, about a month ago, I was dating this guy. We’d been seeing each other for a few weeks and the time had come when we were going to “seal the deal.” Sure enough, a few minutes into sexytime he shoots me a look and says, “I need to tell you something that’s really embarrassing. I went to the doctor yesterday…” First off, that is NEVER a way to start a conversation between yourself and someone you want to sleep with. Being in the health care field I kept a straight face (somewhat) and heard him out. The speech continued, “…actually I went to urgent care because my poop schedule is usually remarkably normal but this morning I felt like I was excreting razor blades covered in blood…” At this point, my subconscious is having it’s own stand-up comedy act. “…the doctor said that because I lift so much weight [brag much?] and eat so much protein that it caused hemorrhoids.” Now I can no longer stay composed. I lose it. Hysterical laughter, snorting, the WORKS. Needless to say, he did not take my fit of hysteria lightly and the deal was not sealed…the only thing that remained sealed was my vagina.
    Casey Ann recently posted…Packing is the Devil

    1. Random Dysfunctions

      Oh. My. God. That is hilarious!!! So embarrassing but so funny. Thanks for sharing. You just made me day lol. Definitely not something that puts you in a sexy mood. Thanks for dropping by. Come back anytime to share more stories!

    2. michelle

      ROTFL omg!!!!

      1. Random Dysfunctions

        Lol yup, glad you enjoyed that one Michelle. Pretty pathetic eh? Lol As always, thanks for stopping by.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge