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Oct 22 2013

I don’t understand why men spend so much time on the can

I’m doing it. I’m blogging about poop.

At one point or another, most women have probably seen their men suddenly jump off the couch and march to the bathroom with a phone, laptop or tablet in hand. They retreat to their throne for an unusually long time, and then return to what they were doing before nature called.

Why do men spend so much time in the bathroom?

He’s probably ‘you-know-what-sterbating’

Like you, I had the same assumption. I mean, what else could he be doing in there, right? But when I asked my husband what his deal was, he said, “No, I just like to take my time when I poo.”

“I like to TAKE MY TIME?!… when I POO?!?”

I always thought most people think of Number 2s as a dirty but necessary duty. It’s not an enjoyable activity, it doesn’t leave a desirable smell, and depending on what you ate the night before, it can sometimes be unpleasant to complete. Yet guys like to “take their time” when they poo apparently.

Intrigued by his enjoyment of sitting on the can, I asked him to elaborate on why.

bathroom quote, quotes about bathrooms, quotes about bathrooms and toilets“It’s quiet. I browse the internet, poo a little, read an article, poo some more, finish my article, then finish my poop.”

THAT was what he said to me. So casually as if he was listing the steps to reboot a computer.

Personally, I think of Number 2s as just another task. Go in, get it done. Be quick, efficient. And get out. Craig has always been a logical person, so I didn’t understand how it made any logical sense to spend THAT much time in the bathroom.

We don’t have kids, so it’s not like we have a roaring daycare in our house. I work anywhere between 9 and 10 hours a day, so I’m hardly home. And when I am home, I’m so tired that I’m usually pretty quiet myself.

He can enjoy his article in the comfort of our living room. With pants on. And not hovering over his fecal matter.

Trying to understand his logic, I asked him more questions.

“Why would you want to sit there on a toilet full of poop?”

“I don’t know. It’s quiet.”

“Doesn’t your butt get cold sitting on a bowl of water for so long?”

“No, I’m used to it.”

“So you’re just chilling? Breathing in the smell?”

“I’m taking my time.”

“Are you pushing?”

“Yeah, a little. In between reading my article.”

I paused for a moment, gathered my findings and asked:

“So you’re just hanging out. In a smelly room. Chilling with your poop. And residue on your anus… READING?!”

“Yeah.”

At that point, I gave up. I will never understand why men spend so much time in the bathroom, especially in our case where we have no kids and I’m hardly home as it is. But even though I don’t get how it makes any logical sense, I realized that it makes TOTAL sense to him (and probably most men), according to some male logic only they understand.

6 comments

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  1. Jack Hunter

    We don’t understand it either…but we don’t question the logic, we just roll with it!

    1. Random Dysfunctions

      lol we all need that special place where we retreat to and relax I suppose.

  2. Zee

    Hillarious that I’m sitting on the toilet as I read this article. I’ve been here for about 15 minutes already.

    1. Random Dysfunctions

      Haha! Love it. I’m flattered you chose my blog for your pooptime reading. Thanks for stopping by and leaving me a comment. Come back anytime!

  3. Annette

    Hilarious! I’ve wondered that myself. “What is it with men and their poop time? Don’t they know they can come back in an hour if they need to?”

  4. anya

    I’m a woman and I do all my reading in the bathroom! (Also in the bathroom right now lol). I don’t know why but I find the bathroom is a comforting place where you can get away from everyone for a little while (until people start banging on the door!). I have a special reading bench setup, because the toilet is just too uncomfortable.

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