Aug 10 2013

A letter to the douchebag who cheated on me… twice

funny quotes about ex-boyfriends, I'd rather shit in my hands and clapThe other day, I was having dinner with a girlfriend and we were reminiscing about all the losers we used to date when we were younger.

As we were swapping stories, I started to wonder if I ever got “closure” for some of those horrible ex-boyfriend messes I experienced.

The more I wondered about this, the closer my thinking brought me face-to-face with the memory of one particular douchebag who cheated on me… twice. (That’s right, twice!)

This is my letter to him.

Dear douchebag,

When we were together, you said you developed strong feelings for me very quickly. You even told me you were “falling in love with me.”

Well… great job showing me when you made out with another girl at a club. Thumbs up!

Stupid me, after a very uncomfortable conversation about how sorry you were, I forgave you and we continued our unpredictable relationship.

A couple months later, you cheated on me again with another girl – also drunk, and just as slutty as the first. Your Holiday Inn whore marked the official end of you and me. Forever.

A very wise person told me: “Once is a mistake. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern.” And I was not about to stick around to experience what I already knew – you are a filthy cheating pattern.

Feeling guilty about your actions, you spent the next month harassing me. You called me, sent me texts, messaged me online, and even showed up to my house. You begged me to “give you 5 minutes of my time” as if I owed you something. (Yeah, really!)

relationship quotes, quotes about love, your crazy is showing

To humour you (and myself), I gave you 25 minutes of my time. But you had nothing to say. Nothing intelligent anyway. You apologized and asked if we could be friends. My memory is a little foggy, but I’m pretty sure I responded with a clear, “Fuck no, leave me the hell alone.”

So, you thought a good way to “get back at me” was to date the slut you cheated on me with. Not sure how long it lasted since at that point I was no longer in your life. But here’s what I thought about her:

relationship quotes, girlfriend downgrade, she's one hell of a 5

Glad you found someone stupid enough to put up with you.

I’m not sure where you are today or what type of herpes you’ve contracted…

But I wanted to get a couple of things off my chest:

  1. I’m definitely sorry I didn’t end it after the first time you cheated. I guess the ol’ saying is true. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I’ll break your shit and also your kneecaps. (Wait, that may not be right.)
  2. At the time you were adamant that we try to be friends. The fact that you never respected me as a partner is a testament of how little respect you had / would have for me as a friend.
  3. If you ask me today if I forgive you, my answer (despite what it may seem) would be sure. But forgiving you means I no longer dwell on what a giant asshole you are. It doesn’t mean you’re no longer a giant asshole.
  4. Lastly, I believe everything happens for a reason. So I’ll leave you on this note:

relationship quotes, quotes about cheating, I'm glad you cheated on me, she probably gave you things I couldn't like STDs

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