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Sep 02 2014

Another sad attempt at learning how to be sexy

sexy red lipsA few months ago, I wrote about what a woman should NOT do if she wants to get lucky, and in it, I shared some goofy experiences and touched on my lack of sex appeal. I noticed that it generated some laughter among friends and readers, but no one commented to say, “No no, you’re wrong. You can be sexy, Jo.”

So I get it. Point taken.

But that won’t stop me from trying. And here are my latest stories to prove it. (I should stop here to give some props to Craig for being such a good sport through all my silly sexual blunders.)

You know it’s bad when your husband tells you to Google, how to be sexy

I woke up one Saturday morning, rolled over with my bedhead and morning eye guck, and tried to “put the moves” on Craig, to which he responded with “I think you should Google how to be sexy.”  I can’t remember exactly what I said or did, but I’m pretty sure it involved the word “daddy” being loudly whispered into his ear, followed by some sour morning breath (yummy, right?).

Most women would probably be offended by this, and I would be too if I was making a genuine attempt. But in our silly world, we were just having one of our goofy Saturday mornings.

Though Google is a great source, I decided to enlist the help of some friends for advice on how to be sexy. Here’s what they had to say:

1. “Try choking him… gently of course”

I think I stopped listening after I heard the word “choking” because I missed the word “gently” and the rest of the advice, which involved – you know – being in bed. It was almost like I heard “choke” and said “got it.” I came home, walked up to my husband, and said, “Today, I learned how to be sexy.”

I wrapped my hand around his neck and said, “You like this? You like this, huh?”

Confused and probably a little terrified, he mumbled past my grip, “What are you doing?”

I explained that I had a conversation with my girlfriends about how to be sexy and some advice I got was to try choking him. He face-palmed me and walked away.

2. “Try dancing for him”

One night, I came home from work and Craig was on his laptop listening to music. The song that was playing as I walked in happened to have had an erotic stripper beat (or so I thought). So I took that coincidence as a sign that he wanted me to put on a show for him. Here’s what happened when I walked in the door:

Craig: “Hi babe, how was your day?”

Me: “Oooh, you want me to dance for you?”

Craig: “Uhh… what?”

Me: “You’re playing this music. It’s because you want me to dance for you, right?”

I gave him an “I’m-gonna-getcha” look, dropped my purse on the floor, threw my keys down, and started moving my hips (admittedly in a very awkward motion) to the beats, swinging the bottom of my sweater in circles. My dance moves can (at best) be compared to a slow-motion chicken dance.

Craig, who was working on his laptop at the time, was so caught off guard. Though my sexy dance didn’t lead to anything, the entertainment value for him was top-notch.

3. “Try a gentle slap…” (I’m pretty sure this was supposed to precede “on the butt”)

After hearing that my choking attempt led to nothing but a paranoid husband who has subtly suggested we create a “safe word,” my friends gave me some new advice.

They said I should kick it up a notch and try slapping him… on the butt. I got really excited at the idea that I could be aggressive and it could be considered a turn-on. My mind was picturing a *whoopah* slap in the face, followed by a choke-hold, “Are you turned on now?!”

But before I could go home and try this, another friend strongly urged me NOT to. He said, “Jo, I really don’t want to read in the news tomorrow that a Toronto man has succumbed to his injuries because his wife tried to be sexy.” So I didn’t.

And that ended the sexy advice.

Actually wait, I did get one more piece of advice after that. It was “Stop. Just stop.”

 

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